You’re the girl I fancy most this week It’s great that we’re able to speak You’re everything I’ve wanted and more I start to feel like I‘ve never felt before I can’t go out courting I make it awkward I make it awkward I feel like I’m in church with Richard Dawkins ! I imagine us going out for the first time and our lips becoming intertwined then I imagine us together in bed then I tell myself I’m thinking too far ahead I can’t go out courting I make it awkward I make it awkward I feel like I’m in church with Richard Dawkins! I want to kiss you and make you laugh and want to miss you when we’re apart I naively start to think you’re “the one” I’m as bad as Mark Corrigan. I can’t go out courting I make it awkward I make it awkward I feel like I’m in church with Richard Dawkins! Why do I do this? Fall for the most physically attractive When will I learn that eye contact or a kiss on a text Won’t suddenly manifest into sex I can’t go out courting I make it awkward I make it awkward I feel like I’m in church with Richard Dawkins!

I met this girl I think she’s so hot but dating her I have to stop because I can quite clearly see that she is a Nazi I saw her from across the room I was in awe I just stood and stared at this beautiful girl with blue eyes and blonde hair . Nazi girl, you can take over my world I’ll fall to you like France , if you let me see your underpants. I waved at her and she seemed kind of cute until she straightened her arm and gave a Nazi salute ! I made successful attempts to lure her but all she talks about is how she’s loyal to her furheur ! Nazi girl, you can take over my world I will vote for the BNP although I don’t agree with their tax policy. I know she’s weird and disturbed and she regularly re-enacts the funeral of President Hindenburg. I know I should leave her because she’s obsessed with Hitler but I’m worried I’ll never find a girlfriend fitter Nazi girl, you can take over my world I can get her going by insulting Jesse Owens Before I know it I was in her bedroom and she says she’s got a surprise at this point I’m just glad I wasn’t circumcised! she says she cant wait to see my Joseph Goebbels so she leaves to slip into something more comfortable she leaves me to get into the zone with some pictures of Eva Brawn before she returns in full S.S uniform! so we tumble to the bed and rip off our clothes I ask her to remove her helmet because I’m worried where that spike may go so I awkwardly and I start to lick her then I notice her pubes are styled like a swastika which puts me off a bit so I look at her face, oh her lovely Aryan face and it turns me on that I’m shagging one of the master race! I know it’s wrong and pathetic she’s so beautiful, but anti-Semitic I know she has mass murders as her idols but she’s so attractive so now I’m walking up the aisle Before I know it we’ve got a car, a house with a front lawn and she has recently become a mum and we’ve called our child Ernst Rohm! * *this ending was changed after the recording, as we realised that the Nazi Girl probably wouldn’t want a child named after someone Hitler had killed, and a homosexual to boot, so we changed the ending to “our neighbours call us daft but I say: Volksgermeinshaft” which is a vague element of Nazi domestic policy.

I’m lost in a world of erotic fantasies then I wake up and snapped back into reality I rise from my pit and am usually greeted by a zit or a spot or whatever you want to call it I go to school and my head is filled with information that as soon as I get out I’m going to forget I’m a teenager I’m getting hairier and my dreams are still wet and its a crush a crush just a phase I’ll properly go off her in a couple of days she’ll never go for a boy like me but in 20 years time I’ll proberly think she’s ugly. I keep clinging onto the false hope that maybe one of the girls I fancy will fall head over heels in love with me whether its an awkward moment in the corridor or a conversation of 5 minutes or more is enough for me to cling to as I go to bed moments spent with them occupy my head and its a crush a crush just a phase I’ll properly go off her in a couple of days she’ll never go for a boy like me but in 20 years time I’ll proberly think she’s ugly. I see that special one but she’s frolicking about with him he looks like some one who would go down the gym she thinks he’s so cool coos he’s got gel on his hair and he plays football when I walk into next lesson I slip into a mild form of depression I feel angry that she’s picked that stuck up twat and cant see why she cant go for me someone who’s ginger and fat and its a crush a crush just a phase I’ll properly go off her in a couple of days she’ll never go for a boy like me but in 20 years time I’ll proberly think she’s ugly. You come along and say you’re in love with him but I highly doubt that as you are a teenager your thoughts are clouded by hormones and pubic hair, you’re boxed into this tiny little world, you’re yet to see what’s out there, you thinks he’s “the one” but you’ ve yet to live your life see the world have some fun, you say that your going to be with him “4eva” in that annoying text language way that has already poisoned the English language, because I’m assuming what you mean by the number 4 and the letters e,v,a is eternity, the rest of your life but do you really want to be his wife? Cos you won’t be. and its a crush a crush just a phase I’ll properly go off her in a couple of days she’ll never go for a boy like me but in 20 years time I’ll proberly think she’s ugly. Now I’m usually attracted to girls who are generally consided to be “fit” but they’re way out of my league cos I’m in the conference and they’re in the premiership now you may say I’m a hypocrite as girls only go for boys who are fit but I have a reason the girls a nice and lovely and pretty where as the boys are horrible bastardly and sweaty. and its a crush a crush just a phase I’ll properly go off her in a couple of days she’ll never go for a boy like me but in 20 years time I’ll proberly think she’s ugly. She can electrify my dreams with just five minutes of conversation but every time I want to speak to her I have to pass my own bit of legislation, and if love is like politics, then I guess I’m the Liberal Democrats , probably best for you, but you’ll never go for me over the other two . and its a crush a crush just a phase I’ll properly go off her in a couple of days she’ll never go for a boy like me but in 20 years time I’ll proberly think she’s ugly, she’s ugly.

I’ve just logged onto an online version of Hell Except it’s cleverly disguised so you couldn’t tell I guess it’s like what that French guy said “Hell is other people” especially when they’re on the web You’re supposed to be my friends But we have nothing in common We may have went to the same school I just get to see how your life is so cool I’m sick of looking of your photographs The one where you’ve got a drink in your hand and you’re having a laugh Or the profile picture you’ve chosen The one where you’re puffing, pouting and posing You’re supposed to be my friends But we have nothing in common We may have went to the same school I just get to see how your life is so cool Got to upload the pictures from the previous night Don’t forget tag them encase we forget what our faces look like You have to write a pointless comment down Probably saying LOL when you’re not even laughing out loud Middle 8 I don’t care how much love you’ve got or what your status is I don’t care about what groups you’ve joined and your stupid text language Our world will end without a doubt If we’re the generation who can’t have a conversation. So just log out Facebook makes me want to logout! Facebook makes me want to logout! Facebook makes me want to logout! Facebook makes me want to logout!

I don’t want to experiment with drugs, not tonight I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right “that’s fair enough” fill up your lungs and cough I got offered a joint but I didn’t see the point parents will pick me up soon being stoned wont be fun in my living room I don’t want to experiment with drugs, not tonight I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right “that’s fair enough” fill up your lungs and cough I think of Obama and Nick Clegg then of my parents, I couldn’t face them off my head the walls of reality can stay where they are I don’t need inspiration, I’m not near a guitar I don’t want to experiment with drugs, not tonight I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right “that’s fair enough” fill up your lungs and cough “Expand your mind” I know there’s no answers to find I’m paranoid and depressed as it is I don’t need to exacerbate that with a spliff I don’t want to experiment with drugs, not tonight I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right “that’s fair enough” fill up your lungs and cough I think I’ve inhaled, accidently it’s just made me feel dizzy I fear that a joint will be another one of life’s disappointments

We were having mild fun until he came along wearing a functionless hat which only served to make him look like even more of a twat I don’t know his role in society but I’m pretty sure it’s got something to do with annoying me He’s the kind of person who makes me almost certain that we live in a horrible, godless universe and if Cupid or Eros is up there then they really doesn’t care My metaphorical injury has had insults added to it all night but this takes the biscuit as he comes over and declares he saw a psychic and believed in what she did So not only is he a prick but he’s a vacuous, ignorant, hipppy-ish prick who believes in all that paranormal bull shit I’ve been defeated on all fronts and realised once again the world is full of cunts both metaphorically and literally and both types seem to be sneering at me She’s the special one she’s the best she stands head and shoulders above the rest I figure if I don’t do it now I never will either way at the end of this I will feel ill Now in my mind we’ve been star crossed lovers for some time but I don’t think your stars ever actually crossed with mine The glimmer of possibility that had been there for years now I can no longer see I knew this would end in tears We were both firing clichés at each other I told her I almost loved her, she said I’d find someone and although each came from the heart neither of us believed in them Mine were pretty lame but romantic in there own way I said I would give anything for a nanosecond of her embrace but she just looked at me with an uninterested, dis-hearting face She had to think up new and exciting ways to say she wasn’t interested I protested I tried to hang on convince her that she was wrong I’ve been defeated on all fronts and realised once again the world is full of cunts both metaphorically and literally and both types seem to be sneering at me I don’t regret what I said I meant every word but those thoughts should have remained in my head and not shared with the world I can’t even walk in a straight line because of the sorrow, but mainly the wine and the water which is slowly filling up my eyes I’ve lost so many friends by implying I want to have sex with them she says it doesn’t matter but things will never be the same again I’ve been defeated on all fronts and realised once again the world is full of cunts both metaphorically and literally and both types seem to be sneering at me