The Sell Out Manifesto For many years, we have been working tirelessly to fight those who sell out. Now, finally, we have compiled the definitive list on what constitutes selling out, so that you the public can identify, and thus destroy those who sell out. Bands, take note of this manifesto and make sure you don’t go the way that many before have done so, and instead take head from us, you may not have commercial success, but by god you will have your dignity. So behold, THE SELLOUT MANIFESTO... You are if you if you... 1. Learn to play an instrument 2. Can sing 3. Practice more than twice a year 4. Tune your guitars, before, during or after a gig 5. Ask the audience to dance, if they’re not dancing it means your just shit 6. Have a girlfriend/boyfriend or any meaningful relationship 7. Have sex 8. Write songs about being in love 9. Put on accents when you sing, or just generally 10. Make money 11. Your available on iTunes 12. If you move from acoustic guitar to electric, the other way is fine 13. Do covers of a well known bands 14. If your in a well known band 15. If you are your music or face to be used to sell a product 16. Watch, participate of have an opinion on the X factor 17. Have a facebook account 18. If your songs feature middle eights 19. If you go into coalition with the Conservatives 20. Have your hair cut 21. Wear designer clothing 22. if you play your guitar normally 23. if you don’t live in a commune for retired anarchists 24. if you have ever brought a product from the following companies: Coca-cola, McDonalds, Next, Tesco, Microsoft, Apple, Nestle, EMI or any other record label, Subway, Wetherspoons, Starbucks and the like, 25. if have a bank account 26. use, record, practice your music in a proper studio 27. pay for stuff 28. are Bono 29. you use FX pedals 30. wear sunglasses in doors 31. try and help poor people by getting other people to raise money, when you yourself are quite rich 32. listen to radio 1,2, 3, 4,5live, 5live extra 7, or any commercial radio station apart from the Storm and Radio Cabin 33. paying for drugs 34. playing the command house venue in Chatham, you must only ever play outside it, preferably on a main road to three people 35. use a keyboard, bigger or newer than this one 36. are younger than 18 or older than 19 37. only enjoy comedians who have been on Mock The Week 38. say just because an artist has more fans, that they are somehow better than other groups 39. go clubbing 40. if you drink Magners pear cider made from 100% pear 41. play to more than 12 people at any one time 42. enjoy Hollywood films 43. if you complain 44. read the Daily Mail 45. claim your country is somehow great 46. play in a band set up by a company, especially a milkshake one 47. if you leave a gig before all the bands have played 48. send out a mailing list 49. have a job 50. And most importantly, being is selling out, therefore we are all sell-outs, but some are more of a sell-out than others.

I’ll meet you at the clock tower for a pub crawl in a couple of hours where shall we go? “’Spoons ” “not ‘Spoons” but we always do But it’s full of the undesirable underclass they only show Sky News they’re probably owned by Murdoch but they sell cheap booze We’ll get pissed here on the cheap then stumble on to Canterbury’s high street filled with five bottles of Leffe we only have ten pubs left The pubs are over crowded and the club is shit but despite all that I really rather like it Next up it’s to Caseys with the attractive female barmaids too much money we have paid but they used to get Half Man Half Biscuit played They promised us a gig but we’re still waiting for it when we get big they’ll regret it The pubs are over crowded and the club is shit but despite all that I really rather like it Cherry Tree have Pig Fuckers on Thursday Roadrunner on the jukebox and that old man who sits at the bar quite a lot We asked for a gig there to They didn’t give it us The pubs are over crowded and the club is shit but despite all that I really rather like it Beercart arms is where the live music is at even if the barman there is a bit of a twat because he I.D’d Ed when under age but they still let us play on their stage...Twice! The pubs are over crowded and the club is shit but despite all that I really rather like it I feel sorry for Chill as everyone walks past it let’s got to Studio even though that is quite shit It’s time for clubbing where we do our pathetic dancing the same old songs every week especially Lady Ga Ga mixed with incredibly cheap, vile vodka The pubs are over crowded and the club is shit but despite all that I really rather like it Its eleven o’clock but Stagecoach are massive cocks with their over priced monopoly forcing us to end our night prematurely Fuck Stagecoach! Fuck Stagecoach! Fuck Stagecoach! Fuck Stagecoach! The pubs are over crowded and the club is shit but despite all that I really rather like it Oh I really do love this city of Canterbury.

Every Wednesday in Canterbury high street there are a bunch of creationists saying God made the world in 7 days and they hand out sweets to little kids try and make them believe this shit Now I’ve got nothing against having a spiritual belief but personally I don’t have one, which is a relief I’m just asking you to keep it to yourself, don’t preach Don’t say that God created the world in 7 days, because he didn’t, OK? There’s no evidence to support that so just look at the facts now, The Bible – I’ve never read it but I get the gist of it Jesus sounded pretty nice and gave some good advice “Love thy neighbour”, help the needy, forgive as teachings go its bullet proof But please don’t believe that every word of it is the literal truth most of it is bullshit so just pick out the best bits And now to any fundamentalist who’s thinking of becoming a terrorist who blows up people because they don’t believe in what they do Let’s be up front you are all deluded cunts you won’t be rewarded in the afterlife there won’t be one hundred virgins when you die Now here’s a sobering prediction about the final decline of religion All the religious leaders got hay fever and while rubbing their eyes realised that hay fever is so annoying and pointless that there probably wasn’t anything out there Now I’m not against religion My Dad is Church Warden It’s inspired great art and supreme acts of kindness but caused our world to be even more of a mess I don’t claim to know all the answers, but neither should you I don’t know why we’re here, whether there is a reason or not I accept the knowledge we’ve already got and applaud the people who find out what we haven’t And I don’t understand why a limited existence is so hard to fathom because the of eternity quite frankly, scares me Let’s all accept that we’re born and then die don’t worry what happens next because if we find out it will be far too complex so don’t try to guess, or believe just wait and see.

I don’t want to be a rock star if it’s acceptable for your song to be used to sell a car Bands starting out today should not be concerned with getting Radio One airplay I went to see a band, they were all my age with their haircuts on, up on stage they dress up following an NME issue on “trends” wear glasses with no lenses for an hour they shout meaningless lyrics I can’t work out I hate all bands! I Hate All Bands! I Hate All Bands! (Apart from the ones I like) The guitarist reckons he can play like Hendrix but he’s got a punchable face and he looks like a prick the lead singer’s lyrics are shit yet they get loads of gigs I hate all bands! I Hate All Bands! I Hate All Bands! (Apart from the ones I like) Don’t put on an accent when you sing it’s just an early form of commercialisation they think they’re the next big thing because they’ve been played on BBC Introducing Every band in recorded time has done a cover of ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ it’s not big or clever you’re not the only ones with access to Ultimate Guitar.com I hate all bands! I Hate All Bands! I Hate All Bands! (Apart from the ones I like) I’m sick of the masses getting it wrong So I appeal to the weirdoes in this song you’re sex isn’t on fire don’t claim that line has any meaning, you’re just a liar I hate all bands! I Hate All Bands! I Hate All Bands! (Especially Kings of Leon) Look around you, yeah there’s more important things than texting or the style of your hair You’re young you should be angry about society don’t think about making money I hate all bands! I Hate All Bands! I Hate All Bands! (Apart from the ones I like) We need to fight the We Are Tides in this Electric River bands like CWB should embrace more creative musical endeavours The talent’s there don’t put it to waste you don't need a record deal when you have MySpace

I Can’t offer you much I’m not that exciting All I have is my song writing I can’t stretch pass G and D but if the song is about you and me 2 chords is all we need I can give you hyperbole in love songs with that how can I go wrong? There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman and no woman more beautiful than you I love hearing what’s on your mind, you’re great to be with but when boys take girls out, there’s always an ulterior motive although I’d never say it, I’m too shy, and far too polite I would love to see your naked body tonight I can give you hyperbole in love songs with that how can I go wrong? If you were a discovery, you’d be as important as fire if you were a TV show; you’d be as critically acclaimed as The Wire All my friends are patronising when it comes to me having relationships which is hardly surprising as I can never get to grips with it I can give you hyperbole in love songs with that how can I go wrong? I would eat my own shit if such a situation arose that you required it We live in a highly sexualised society which is frustrating for someone like me I could list my sexual anxieties numbers one to two hundred and twenty three I can give you hyperbole in love songs with that how can I go wrong? You’re so beautiful you make me ache what I wouldn’t give for just one date I’ve got my arm around you yes, I feel awkward to but this is my move the rest is up to you. I can give you hyperbole in love songs with that how can I go wrong? When I first saw you, it was only for a minute but that was enough, I knew with you I could fall in love if push came to shove You’re so beautiful, I’m depressed and frightened and Intoxicated with alcohol with that my emotions are heightened I always do this only seem to have courage when pissed I can give you hyperbole in love songs with that how can I go wrong? You play the drums and you sing you play the guitar with my heartstrings We only go on about morals When we are jealous everyone wants the youngest they can get away with everyone wants the prettiest When I watch porn I hate all the misogyny so I tell myself I’m watching it with a degree of Irony

Lo-fi Lady the Crackle of your tape makes me want to masturbate

I want to move on but that’s easier said than done I thought I was a hopeless romantic but you brought me back down to earth and called me a prick It looks like you are the first girl I’ve fallen in love with so it’s a shame we never kissed your lips and hips will remain untouched by mine I’ve learnt you can’t choose with whom you fall in love because I think we both agree this has been somewhat of an inconvenience to both of us Being in love is horrible I think it must work better if the feeling is mutual. Because this feeling in my stomach, there’s no answer it’s either love, or some sort of cancer that I’ve been mistaking for romantic feelings I don’t think any man will be deserving of you I could list the faults of you boyfriend because god knows he has a few You can do better than him, you could do me and that may sound arrogant but you could go out with Gandhi and I’d think he was a cunt You knew how I felt, and you were frustrated I was a mess and humiliated in a second he had done what I wanted to achieve in a lifetime and the image of you two kissing is burnt into the retender of my eye line You turned my stomach and broke my heart I’m sorry I know my emotional outpourings are getting boring When I see you with him I feel like shit there’s nothing I can do but accept it

I Eighteen I’m going to be eighteen soon and I think my life is going to be over soon because I watch the news and it just preaches impending doom I think I’ve wasted my youth by sitting in my room worrying about growing up with my half empty cup I think about what’s in front of me and my life ahead so much, or so little, to do before I’m dead II Looking to Punk and Poets I’m becoming more paranoid about the systems mentioned by Crass the ones that control your life and then fuck you up the arse I’m part of a lost generation according to Paxman swimming in debt living with global warming and an increased nuclear threat What worries me is that I’ll sit on the settee, watching TV while history unfolds and I just grow old “Life is first boredom then fear” but still year after year on New Years Eve we all look at what we’ve yet to achieve People drink to forget drink and regret all the mistakes all the chances they didn’t take III – Internal Paradox I’m anti-Capitalist, but I love my iPod I’m not religious, but I’d like to meet God You defend our civil liberties by taking them away from us Torture is wrong unless you look like a terrorist Your politics of spin is wearing thin you talk about democracy but the people never agree with what you say But their opinion doesn’t matter because you don’t listen to them anyway. IV Dedicated follower of Fascism He hates the Jews He hates the gays He hates Islam and ethnic minorities He won the Euro elections now he’s an MEP but he’s a dedicated follower of Fascism (Oh yes he is) He thinks he’s a power to be listened to when he dresses his skin heads in smart suites he feels a Dedicated follower of Fascism (Oh yes he is) His word is full of utter pricks and wankers this trouble seeking individual’s eye is always leaning to the right Cos he’s a dedicated follower of Fascism IF YOU START A SENTENCE WITH “I’M NOT RACIST BUT...” YOU ARE... THE WEAPON THAT KILLS FASCHISTS IS THIS GUITAR... V Where We Went Wrong (acoustic guitar) Flash forward; I’m thirty I don’t like what I see The life I’m going to lead aint pretty I don’t want to be sucked into your system where the measure of success is the size of your mortgage But it’s not in my nature to be a misfit sooner or later I will submit this song will help me in years to come pin point where I went wrong Where I went wrong Where we went wrong

I’ve heard of erectile dysfunction but most people know how and when to stick their tongue in the other person’s mouth, without them having to pull out I was more concerned with my gun of Milan being rusted kissing would come naturally I trusted It looks so easy; it comes naturally except to me, obviously. I seemed to do it fine the last time I think but that bitch did have a lot to drink My inability to master a basic form of human contact makes me think I should leave the country go to New Zealand, become a Mario they kiss by rubbing noses with that the risk of embarrassment lowers Now when I go to kiss a girl which isn’t often truth be told an overwhelming sense of paranoia takes hold. I get to the lips; no tongues then turn tail and run this is not a good position to be in in relation to kissing. Curse my lips! And just kiss me quick.

So it’s over. The dream I had of us together has disappeared for ever and ever I had you but I messed up that I want to go forward, but I’m being held back When I went to bed I used to dream up scenarios in my head of you and me we were together, we were happy. You keep me up all night With a feeling in my stomach I don’t like Thinking of what we could have done Makes me feel like a Bullseye contestant seeing what he could have won I know we weren’t madly in love but you were my girlfriend, and that was enough I would have kissed you and made you laugh we could of had our memories immortalised in a photograph But now you’ve gone and I’m back to square one been thrown back into the single man's pit everything’s turned from gold into shit! You keep me up all night With a feeling in my stomach I don’t like Thinking of what we could have done Makes me feel like a Bullseye contestant seeing what he could have won I think of you and me and what could have been What we could have done, what we could of seen Together we could have taken on the world Me as your man and you as my girl We don’t have feelings for each other, I know but there’s a part of me that won’t let go even though we’re through I can’t help but think about you You keep me up all night With a feeling in my stomach I don’t like Thinking of what we could have done Makes me feel like a Bullseye contestant seeing what he could have won Maybe I could add you to the incredibly short list of people I’ve actually kissed because kissing has become like being a corrupt politician It used to mean something but now it means nothing... It seems to have any chance of success with the opposite sex you have to act like a twit or be a slight misogynist I can’t do this, when I try to flirt I either come across as boring or a slight pervert You keep me up all night With a feeling in my stomach I don’t like Thinking of what we could have done Makes me feel like a Bullseye contestant seeing what he could have won I look at you and think of everything we didn’t do we never got passed the hugging phase but those hugs were the highlight of my day I’ve given up trying to be romantic and sometimes I act like a dick I know I can’t impress you unless I have an older birth certificate But you’ve gone and I’m back to the start You’ve thrown me in the single mans pit But don’t worry, you didn’t break my heart Just damaged it a bit.

“I remember seeing you and my tongue struck dumb, when you first came here, from wherever it was you came from” That line I stole from The Mountain Goats but thinking about you, it sums up how I felt Every day for six months I’ve wanted to confront my feelings, just tell you straight but I always told myself I’d wait, and now it’s too late Every time we said goodbye, I hugged you longer than was necessary you were the one girl who could have made my best friends enemies I loved when it was just you and me then I didn’t have to compete, pathetically for you attention I don’t think you realise how beautiful you are every man that met you would steal a car if you asked them to we would all do anything for you And I’m not a subtle guy especially when I’m pissed so the hints that I threw you couldn’t have missed, and you didn't Laura told me you knew how I felt about you, but you didn’t want to reject me. And I spent too much time being your admirer when I should have just been your friend. I should have told myself it wasn’t love and you walked on the ground, and weren’t sent from above On the last day I saw you I’d told myself I didn’t like you in ‘that’ way your view I’d accept but when you brought that boy from Brighton, I just flipped I spoke to him and he seemed nice, which annoyed me because I’d already decided he was a prick but judging by his appearance, that view would suffice I’m not sure if you were ‘with’ him in inverted commas but it seemed like you were so I drank that really strong cider, I don’t know why, I guess to try and stop the horrible feeling my stomach suddenly got. I wasn’t going to drink I wanted our goodbye to be dignified I’m sorry I got pissed I’ll cut down on the drinks, tomorrow, I promise Johnny Cash didn’t die today but I might as well have your only the second girl to make me almost cry that emotion is always increased with alcohol but oh well, that’s just who I am I tried to write you a message on facebook, but it said I couldn’t be over 1000 characters but here’s the gist of what I said: • Every inch of you is perfect • That Brighton kid is nice but please don’t go with him • Almost every man I know fell for you • And I’m sorry I drink all the time, and basically you are beautiful I remember seeing you tonight, you were telling me to go away I couldn’t work out if you were annoyed or upset full of lust or regret but I saw in your eyes you cared for me I hope it was more than just sympathy You’ll be in a village outside of Stuttgart In a matter of hours I don’t think you quite broke my heart I never got you flowers Next time we meet I’ll meet you on Half Moon Street I kept telling you “ich liebe dich” But I’m not sure if I meant it I promised you I’d write you a song this is it I wrote it when pissed If you ever hear it I’ll be embarrassed.

The Best Ever Anti-Electro Folk Musical Comedy Duo in Whitstable was a couple of guys, who had been friends since secondary school . One was named Nathan, the other was Ed and they practiced twice a year in Nathan’s conservatory Ed and Nathan believed in their hearts they were heading for stage lights in Edinburgh and The Gulbenkian Theatre So in script that made prominent use of a chequered hat they stencilled their keyboards and guitars with their names this was how Nathan got sent to the Uni Where they told him, he’d never be famous and this was why Ed, in the letters he’d write to his friend help develop a plan to get even When you punish a person for dreaming his dream don’t expect him to thank or forgive you The Best Ever Anti-Electro Folk Musical Comedy Duo in Whitstable will in time both outpace and outlive you... Hail Satan Hail Satan, tonight Hail Satan Hail, hail